Do you ever feel like the church worships marriage more than or just as much as it worships God? It's weird. An institution whose foundation comes from the example and teachings of single people puts marriage on an awfully high pedestal.
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do" (1 Corinthians 7:8 NIV). Becoming single at 44 has been eye opening. I grew up in an evangelical church in the '90s, the peak of purity culture. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 16 and married him at 21. Here's how that version of me understood the messages of popular Christian speakers at that time.
I carved these messages into my mind so deeply that I have no desire to attend church in my singlehood. I know other singles who feel the same. Church as I know it revolves around marriage and family in its programming, messaging, and look. It's not so much a deliberate branding but a deep-rooted culture that pities or stigmatizes singlehood. And, in leaving church I have been able to work on sanding away those deeply carved messages. So, do I wish I had never married? No. My two favorite people in this world came from my 22 years of marriage, as well as a million beautiful memories. Do I hope to be married again? No. I have incredibly deep and meaningful friendships that I love devoting myself to. I have my work with students at a public high school who bring immense joy and meaning to life. I have fun and faithful family who've got my back and my heart. Marriage requires a lot of time, energy, and focus that I'm not willing to remove from my friends, family, and students. I understand that a spouse could enhance these parts of my life, but that would take an unusually special person I have zero desire to search for. Over the past five years I have experienced lots of loss -- some by my choice and some not. I lost my church and with that some friends. I lost what my school was when we split into two schools. I lost experiences and people due to COVID. I lost my marriage. But with loss there can be gain. I have deeper relationships with friends and family. I have more time and energy to devote to my students and other passions. I have a life I didn't know existed.
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